The Dark Side of My Self

We all have that side of our ourselves we want no one else to experience or to see.  This is where our fears and insecurities live, where the characteristics of our personality which we're not proud of manifest.  Personally, the dark side of my self is also where my desires are rooted in the world and in the flesh and exist outside of the influece of God and his radical love and mercy.  This is the side of me that I try to suppress--sometimes with the help of the Holy Spirit, sometimes by myself--because this side of me tends to villainize and almost ruin relationships.  This side is immersed in darkness where the focus is solely on me--what I want, what I need, what I feel, and what I think.  It transforms how I view relationships and how I act in them and towards others.

I recently allowed my dark side to manifest in one of my significant friendships...it's the worst thing that could have happened.  I became negative and acted horribly and impatiently.  I only cared about what I was feeling without any regard how I was making my friend feel by voicing my negativity.  In the midst of it all, I lost sight of who I am and who God has called me to be in my friendships--a brother and a visible image of the invisible God.

In 2012 Kelly Clarkson released the single "Dark Side."  In the chorus of the song Clarkson says, "Everybody's got a dark side, do you love me?  Can you love mine?  Nobody's a picture a perfect, but we're worth it, you know that we're worth it.  Can you love me even with my dark side?"  I love this song because it acknowledges the reality that relationships are messy and that people have unpleasant pasts and habits.  I also hate this song because the words and expectations of relationship seems selfish and asks others to love my dark side--the part of me which I am most ashamed of.

I don't need my friends and family to love my dark side.  I don't need them to love me with my dark side.  Instead, I need people in my life who call me out of the darkness and into the light--despite what I may have done to them--because they have seen me and have known me through the eyes and heart of God.  Thankfully, I have these people in my life.  I am thankful for my friends who are bold enough to be completely honest with me and tell me the ways that I have been burdening them.  I am thankful for my friends who continue to love me and care for me, even if I am acting dumb and selfishly.  Most importantly, I am thankful for a God who freely gives his love, his grace, and his mercy to me--showing me that I'm not just damaged goods.  Though I may have a dark side, God has called me to be more than my fears and shame; He has called me and brought me into the kingdom of heaven and is exposing my darkness with his Light.

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