Fifteen Years Later, I Still Miss You

After I finished up at church this afternoon, I paid a visit to my grandma and grandpa since it's been awhile since I went to go see them.  Today is fifteen years since my grandma passed away.  I visited them alone because I wanted the time to reflect and meditate by myself without anyone with me (dang my introversion haha).  Although I know that neither one of them are physically here, there's something deeply comforting being at their gravesides and spending time with God--as if they were both right next to me as I engage with the Father.  Not long after they placed her grave stone, my family took me to go look at it, which is when I left a letter for her expressing how much I would miss her.  I left a letter for her today...the exact amount of closure I needed.

Dear Grandma,

It’s been fifteen years since God decided that your journey on earth was at its end and he called you into your new journey into eternity.  I still remember the night when mom and dad found you had passed away in your sleep as if it happened yesterday…I was pacing back forth between the front yard and backyard praying that God would bring you back to life all while Chelsea stood outside not really know what was going on.  I remember mom running out of the house crying and saying she needed to call an ambulance… I remember repeating John 3:16 over and over in my head and saying that if God loved me you would actually be dead.  I remember evening turning to night quickly…and mom telling me and Brittany not to look when the paramedics brought your body out of the house.  I remember escaping into your house to get away from the family friends who had come to support mom…I remember feeling lost and alone and without hope. 

That night fifteen years ago began my journey of reconciling with God, reconciling with myself, and finding my identity in Christ as his beloved and as a Chinese-American.  You were one of the first people to display to me that love is sacrificial and that love can hurt sometimes, but caring for the people in your life is more important than dwelling on the hurt and pain.  You showed me what it means to be a servant and what it means to be a good friend as well.  Most importantly, you showed me what it looks like to have a real relationship with Christ despite all of the loss and pain you had experienced throughout your life. 

In the end, I know that you leaving this life was much better for you than being in pain from the constant bleeding.  I imagine that when you entered into God’s glory, some of the first people you saw were grandpa and Uncle Dan—the two loves of your life.  It was difficult to see that at the time; being ten, all I wanted was my grandma in my life…and you were suddenly gone.  For years I lived with the regret of never saying goodbye to you the night you passed away.  Now that I’m older I’m glad I never said goodbye because it makes seeing you again so much sweeter. 

A lot has happened since you left.  Susie and Gary moved into your house and gave you and grandpa three grandsons: Caleb, Luke (whose middle name is also grandpa’s name), and Matthew.  Dad is still at Kmart but is looking for new opportunities.  Mom began working again once I began college.  Brittany and I graduated from high school and UC Merced.  Brittany is now a physical science teacher at Glacier Point in Central Unified.  I’m working at The Bridge as the high school pastor (since EFCA does give the title of pastor to non full-time employees, they gave me a fancy title of Student Ministry Coordinator) and also getting my Master of Divinity so that I can become an official pastor eventually. 

I know you and grandpa would be proud of me and my accomplishments so far.  You were always supportive of me.  Though life has not been easy and there have been many trials, you would be happy to know that I’m living in the freedom which Christ gave to us.  I’m no longer controlled by sin and addiction and I have come to terms with my sexuality and the sacrifice that is required of me to be a follower of Christ and to be a pastor.  Yet I know God can perform the seemingly impossible now, which is why I have faith that—God willing—I will find a wife and have children some day.  I do not feel alone or without hope anymore because God has filled the hole that was left in my heart with his presence and assurance.    

I still miss you from time to time, but I have a great hope that I will see you again in the kingdom some day.  You will always be one of my most favorite people in the world.  Ngoh oi neih, po po, to the moon and back.  

From left to right, top to bottom: 

Auntie Shirley (Grandma's little sister), Auntie Mary (Grandma's big sister), Grandma

Mom, and Susie (Mom's little sister)